I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
