Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
