if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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