I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
