Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
