I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
