thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
