I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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