I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
