i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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