I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
