Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
