She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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