ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
