she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
