I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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