right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
