Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
