When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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