Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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