I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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