just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
