Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is Oprah even human
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
