i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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