how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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