I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
