there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
