I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I understand Curling. That high.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
