For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar