it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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