I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
