cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I AM VODKA MAN
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
