My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
