He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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