we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
