she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
