my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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