I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
