I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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