shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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