Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
