I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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