No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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