i came on her dog
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
