mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
