So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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