At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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