It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
