What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
