I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
