I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I understand Curling. That high.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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