I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
