I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
