She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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