yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
