I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
