You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
