no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
