We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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