last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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