I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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