Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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