I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
