i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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