Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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